Today is a day I am celebrating. “Celebrating?!” I hear many of you gasp. Yes, I am celebrating the day I got shot in the ass.
One year ago today I was doing a downward dog pose on the deck behind the beautiful vacation home of my dear, dear friend when I was shot in the ass by a madman. It was touch and go for a bit and I know people cried and were worried about me. My loving husband rushed to be by my side and was the first face I saw when I woke up after my surgery.
I post this extremely unflattering photo of myself in the hospital proudly because I am a SURVIVOR of being shot in the ass!
But lets not dwell on what happened a year ago, let’s look forward to a day when no one anywhere gets shot in the ass. I am working to have laws put on the books that make the penalties for shooting someone in the ass, or even having a weapon within several feet of a yoga studio, stronger.
Let’s all unite to make sure that these laws get passed everywhere. I give you permission to call them the Lah Lee laws, so people can remember that tragic time and make sure that no one, especially a poor person who can’t afford a good plastic surgeon, has to suffer as I did.
The police have gotten it all wrong from the beginning! I keep telling them that I am a prominent and popular blogger, and that they need to look at foreigners and extremists to discover the perpetrators of my shooting. I even suggested that some of the men (not Miss Sherrilyn or the other delightful ladies) at All Praise our Blessed Lambs Church might be involved. They do walk around with firearms and inexplicable beards all the time, after all.
Detective Wallace is just so rude and dismissive. He has been so focussed on just one suspect, one of the few people I know is not involved. I think the police set him up in the manner of Brendan Dassey, and forced a confession. I am disgusted with the entire justice system right now.
Ty! He would never!
Also, the charges seem pretty lame. Trespassing? It was clearly an attempted political assasination and I am incredibly frustrated with our city government right now. Mayor Renfrew has a lot to answer for, and I will be wheeling myself to the next open council meeting to ask a few questions. Lah Lee, defender of the little people. I would go to law school and become a super-lawyer if it didn’t sound so tedious.
Detective Wallace didn’t even have time to talk with me today. I called over and over, with several leads on my shooting and he told me that he couldn’t talk about it, but he thought that the shooting might be accidental. Before I could say anything at all he transferred my call to some crazy counselor who want to talk about my feelings. Feelings?
I don’t need a Manitowoc style investigator, I need a Jack Bauer type. My shooting is a mystery. Who would ever want to shoot a delightful gal like me in the ass?
I decided to do some inquiries on my own. One of my top suspects is Grandmama’s housekeeper, Piti, or Priti or something. She adores my children and just loves to babysit them, but she is foreign. I would hate to lose her as a babysitter, but I don’t know exactly where she is from and Isis is probably active in that third world place.
Anywho, I stopped by to ask her a few questions today, but she wouldn’t open the door. She just called through it to me, “I can’t take the children, Lah Lee.” Take the children? Is my nightmare not over? Is she planning on kidnapping Starling on top of everything else? I will have to look her up on Yahoo and see what I can figure out.
Before I turn her in I might have her do a lil’ cleaning around my place.
It is so difficult being physically handicapped while leading a whole detective murder attempt investigation and still raising a family. But I just keep smiling!
Last night I dreamed that I was running in a field, free and beautiful, my lovely hair streaming behind me in the manner of a romantic, historical movie (not that i watch those, just important documentaries for Lah Lee). I woke up and started weeping when I realized that I am still tragically shackled to a wheelchair and not strong and healthy, like in my dream.
I want to dance again!
It seems as if the police may really have thought that Ty was just a witness to my shooting. According to Krystyn, they brought his mom in for questioning early this morning. I don’t think his mom is one of my besties, and I doubt she would be jealous enough to shoot me as I made a perfect yoga pose, but she sure was rude the last time I saw her!
I am in so much pain that I had to go to a Minute Clinic this morning for some extra medication. The nurse practitioner was very sassy about my list of prescriptions I thought might help me out, but she gave me a couple of Tylenol 3s when I refused to leave. They actually look exactly like regular generic pain relievers, but I am hopeful they will help me sleep a little tonight. I might go to the emergency room to see if they can also help me out with a few prescriptions.
Merlin has a project about “service” that he is very excited about. He has to help someone in need with the gift of time. I suggested that he give me some assistance, since I am in so much pain (honestly, your worst pain is nothing compared to what I am experiencing) and I need the garage straightened out. He said that would be a selfish gift and so he is collecting socks for homeless people.
Homeless people need a home, not socks. Come on!
Maybe he could donate this hideous shirt instead.
If you have never been shot, I don’t recommend it. First of all, it really hurts a lot. Also, the police seem uninterested in talking to me about who I think they need to be questioning, and very interested in bothering my friends. Poor Ty has apparently had to speak to them several times. He does not deserve to be harrassed in this manner! Today Detective Wallace was actually quite dismissive when I called with a lead about ISIS targeting attractive American women with prominent blogs.
The worst thing is that I am supposed to do almost nothing all day long. No computers, no tv, no exercise, no fun. The kids went back to school today and I was instructed to stay home and “relax”. Lah Lee is not a relaxer. I tried to get up to do a lil’ light yoga on the sly but I was dizzy and could barely do a single pose without experiencing a great stabbing pain. Then I tried to spend a tiny bit of time on Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook and I watched a few episodes of Live From Lincoln Center while I read spoilers about the new season of The Bachelor on my eyepad, but I ended up with a tremendous my grain. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve to be in such a horrible situation.
Krystyn called with some delicious gossip, though. Apparently Cari’s latest guy dumped her the day after Christmas, calling her pushy and controlling. For some reason this news delights me!
That’s just me, Lah Lee, always smilin’ through the tears.
Even the pain pills the doctors gave me aren’t working well, but I just keep on doing my best to bring joy to everyone around me.
Merlin came to me this morning and asked why it is that I am having trouble walking.
“It’s because someone made a bad choice about using a gun.”
“Guns are for hunting game or protecting your home, right Mommy?”
“Exactly. And guns are a right protected by the constitution.”
“That is great, Mommy. I love the constitution since it protects our rights.”
We cuddled and talked about gun laws for a bit, then Merlin said the cutest thing, “I love your funny little walk, Mommy”
I won’t be doing this for quite some time due to an unknown hunter irresponsibly shooting in a very expensive residential area.