Category Archives: Dead People

Stop Telling 2016 to Fuck Off, Please

Here is the deal; you are old.

Every single day people die and every single day it seems like people are blaming poor, dumb 2016 for killing them.

2016 is not an evil person or even a sentient being.  It is not a disease or a car accident or a robot controlled by an overlord from a distant galaxy.  It is an arbitrary group of 365 days.  It has no designs or your teen idols or your favorite actors.  It is a stupid collection of days.

Back when we were all young and gorgeous (well, I was gorgeous, you have your own reality) River Phoenix died and that seemed crazy and tragic because he was also young and nearly as gorgeous as me and no one else died that year except maybe someone’s granny.  Except Audrey Hepburn died that year, and Myrna Loy.  They were both people your grandparents probably cared about.  Herman Munster died.  Bill Bixby died, maybe breaking your Mom’s or Dad’s heart if they watched “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”.  Vincent Price died.  Federico Fellini, Frank Zappa and Spanky from the Little Rascals all died in 1993.

Most of that didn’t really matter much to you because, being young and gorgeous (or let’s face it, average looking) you had other fish to fry, and you really only cared about River Phoenix.

Now that you are older, and probably considerably less fantastic looking (we can’t all age the way I do!) people who are 10-20 years older than you are will start to die off.  These are the people you admired as a teenager and young person and they are aging, as you are, and many of them became far more involved with things like heroin and cocaine than your parents allowed you to become.  So some of them die youngish, others hang on in there, but because you are aging, so are they and people end up dying in the end.

What can you do to change this?  Nothing.  Will it be different in 2017? No.

Here’s some good news; unless you have crazy good luck and fine genes, a lot of people you loved as a teenager will outlive you!

How can Iggy Pop still be alive?  He is though, and could outlive you!  Paul McCartney hardly matters to anyone, is probably a bad person in the end, but he is still alive. You can still be Rickrolled by Rick Astley and you and Brendan Frazer could very possibly have a meaningful encounter on a plane since you are both still alive.  Bette Midler, American treasure, is still alive and will hopefully never see anyone from a distance since she is probably immortal.  Lots of people, alive!  Many people, dead!  You, old enough to have some feelings about celebrities who die.

2016, blameless.